i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
