Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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