and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
