just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
