Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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