i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
