If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
