I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
