2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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