Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
