Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
