M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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