I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
