How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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