So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We were destined to go to rehab together
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Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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