wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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