It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
