Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
