I heard we made out
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
