Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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