Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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