I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
