Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
