what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
