I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
