Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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