I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
