remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
