I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
