You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
