I should be sponsored by Trojan
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
