If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
