My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
