After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
