$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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