sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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