i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
