Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
