I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
