Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
