Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's blow job season.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
