nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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