Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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