I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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