I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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