I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
