is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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