first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
