At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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