All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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