george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
