I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's always time for handjobs
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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