Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
