I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just blew my weed a kiss
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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