Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
