You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
