worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
