yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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