we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
